Can we do it? - A bit more on the "Confidence Gap"

A month or so ago a story was making the rounds. It appeared in the Atlantic and in it two reporters reported the sad evidence of the existence of a confidence gap between men and women.

If I sound ironic it is because I am. I've been sitting on this story for a while, wondering whether to post or not to post. Some of the material in it does resonate, and some data quoted is interesting. Then today I saw the following headline in the NYMag: "Christiane Amanpour Calls the ‘Confidence Gap’ B.S." (The story itself is copied below, scroll down).

So is the confidence gap real or is it BS?

I can't say that agreeing with Amanpour is a natural inclination. Far from it. But in this case I tend to agree, if with reservations. Yes, we can have confidence, and we should. Almost everything  the 'confidence' story cites as evidence - for example the 'impostor' phenomenon - is indeed BS (plenty of successful men plagued by the same problem). What Amanpour and the story conveniently forget are the reasons we often don't succeed - despite the confidence. And those reasons are, for most of us, children. 

For women in the West children are not a societal obligation or even a biological, unavoidable necessity. No, children are a choice. And by making that choice we are, by necessity, put in a position where sacrifices are inevitable. We take some of the most productive years - professionally - and dedicate them to reproduction. Yes, it is possible to work and raise children. But childrearing takes time, and time is a precious commodity if you are also working. Something has to give - and what that something is, is your choice. You give up your career, if only for a while, or you give up raising children, if only as much as you would like. No one can have it all. 

We make choices. And we pay for them. It isn't confidence that we lack. It is time.

* * *

Here is NYMag's story:

Christiane Amanpour was one of four daughters, and at yesterday's New York Women in Communications 2014 Matrix Awards, she told us that “she never grew up in this atmosphere that women somehow couldn’t do X, Y, or Z.”

We asked her about the "confidence gap" proposed in the Atlanticearlier this month — which argued that women's self-doubt holds them back professionally — and she remarked pointedly that she had 'never suffered from this 'confidence gap.'" She's "upset," she said, "by these articles on confidence. To be honest with you, I think it’s reinforcing and beating a dead horse. There are so many women out there who just don’t get noticed."

Amanpour went on, “Let’s face it: 40 percent of the American households are being powered by women. Women are either the sole or main breadwinners in 40 percent of American households. And multiply that by a million around the world. Women are the main breadwinners." She suggested that “parity,” not “this notion that we’re not confident somehow,” is the problem.

"Now is the time to leverage our major, formidable economic power," she told a gathering crowd of rapt, mostly female reporters. "Negotiate like guys, get what we want, get what we deserve, and forget this confidence gap B.S."