Dress Porn

Bear with me ladies, this is going to be an ass-long post. Even dress porn can leave you spent and exhausted.

The Met Ball - or in this case the Meh ball. I personally found most of the gowns on display to be a snooze-fest instead of a much anticipated  porn-fest. The same trend occurred at the Oscars and now i'm beginning to wonder if taking sartorial risks is a thing of the past.

The theme this year, as you all know by now was White Tie and Decorations. Which really meant all or nothing. Some ladies took it to be literal - white and black.

There was really only one major trend, and it was not new - cropped tops that showed a line of the wearers midriff. They were deployed judiciously, on super slim ladies, but personally I think of them as kind of an easy cop out. Not so much a design element as a design dead-end.

There were major ball gowns (mostly y Marchesa (yuk) and Posen (ok). There were pant suits - but sadly no ladies rocked a Dietrich tux. There were short dresses.

Overall though it was kind of boring. When it wasn't boring it was on crack - i.e. insane for the sake of it. Lupita, she who could do no wrong sartorially speaking all through the long award season took first prize in crazy.
Kristin Dunst took first prize in good - at least as far as I'm concerned.

Here is a rundown - and just so you know, this is not a comprehensive coverage. I didn't post many, many others.

Sarah Jessica Parker in Oscar de la Renta;

Weeeel. Cuddos on the super dramatic shot and on the fact that she has the sartorial balls to go out there and wear crazy shit. But crazy does not mean good, or even interesting in this case. The back with the designer's signature looks plain cheap. Too much Kaiser Karl, too little Oscar.

And speaking of Karl - here is Anna Wintour in Chanel.

Here's my heretical bit of the day. I think AW does not have any style. She is a dowdy dresser. There, I said it.
Then again, her arms are fantastic for her age, so she has something going for her, dream job aside.

AW's daughter in McQueen:

The apple does not fall far from the tree. Boooring. Blaaand.

Karolina Kurakova in - who else? - Marchesa (a label I hate):

She was worried about the weather and decided to wear an umbrella??

Allison Williams in Oscar de la Renta:

Remember my post from long ago about boring dresses saved by an excellent deployment of orange? Case in point, except here boredom is all that much more intense because she is a snoooooze.

A less boring take on orange came courtesy of Solange in Phillip Lim:

But ended up looking like a scoop of orange sorbet.

And this Proenza Schouler on Dree Hemingway:

That while an interesting dress, fell short of a gown.

There were a few prints in the room. The first on this half of a couple (dont' know who they are, don't want to google), and it actually isn't bad:

Karlie Kloss in Oscar de la Renta (technically a brocade, not a print) that would be a complete snooze if not for the leather gloves:

Kate Mara also wore brocade, from the 'dirty' Valentino collection, and it was one of the best in my eyes:

Eddie Redymane and Girlfriend

Oddly enough, this works for me. It is a bit arts&crafts sofa, but somehow interesting and yet not unflattering.

While this is majorly, hideously unflattering  - a sofa on crack:

OR this - why are all these people deflowering garden beds (the wonderful Chitewel Ejiofor and girlfriend)?

Or this - a Valentino - on Florence Welch whose drama in song and dress I usually appreciate:

That looked not so much like a garden, but an old lady home dress worn over a sad limp nightgown.

This, on the other hand is interesting, at the very least - 

Posh Spice poses in her usual hilariously self-conscious way, but she the dress works somehow - although it should not when you take it apart - square, strapless top???

Beckhams, like some others took the theme B&W rather literally:

Zoe Saladana in Michael Kors:

I was thinking of getting my kids a pouf - who knew Michael Kors made designer versions?
And here is Jessica Pare from Mad Men in a much better version of this line, if more boring (and a really silly smile):

Katie Couric in a standard black gown - yawn... - that is nonetheless rather effective:

Erikah Badu definitely took the theme to heart:

I can't really offer anything negative to a commitment so fierce.

Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung:

This kid is ridiculously young, as we have already discussed. She should not be wearing ass-ugly stripper shoes. And a dramatic but actually uninteresting dress.

Greta Gerwig:

Not boring. Not good either. Why, and HOW did my favorite color combo get so fucked up??

Another interesting attempt by Christopher Kane that doesn't quite add up:

The two walking bitch-faces, Charlize Theron (who looks good in rags) in a classy, B- Dior dress with Sean Penn:

Christy Turlington refuses to age or look bad outclasses much of the room:

Vera Wang (the designer) is beginning to look insanely scary:

Stella McCartney kept her best design wisely for herself (you will see some of her dresses below):

Red:

Lake Bell, looking as intense and homicidal as she usually does:

A pretty, if again boring look. At least jewelry is interesting. 

Another red gown by Adam Lipes (a designer I like a lot) on Laetitia Casta:

Nothing too new there, but it is an effective look. 

Silver:

Same here - not terribly interesting at all , but oh - the drama!

Another silver dress on the always elegant if not exciting Amy Adams:

And this skeletor, Nicole Richie who after a brief period of dressing well seems to be going off the rails again  in a Donna Karan dress:

John Legend's wife is a model, she has the body to pour herself into this dress but it still does not make it good:

Diane Kruger, another well known clothes horse:

The details on the dress are very pretty and it is super flattering. Not earthshatteringly interesting though.  I'm getting bored. 

Some ladies wore short:

Michelle Williams has excellent taste and often goes for funky:

But this Vuitton while pretty enough is certainly not white tie, or, for that matter, that interesting. 

Rosamund Pike also wore Vuitton and it was a disaster of epic proportions:

Marion Cotillard is another generally interesting dresser but this one I think is a misfire:

The dress (by Dior), shoes and hair combined read a bit costume. 

Lena Dunham.. Oyi

Not a bad dress by Valli, just not a great one  - and definitely not for her. She is heavy around the shoulders so the last thing she should be wearing are strapless gowns. The shoes are kicky though. 

Elizabeth Olsen (yes, a sister to Olsen twins) in MiuMiu:

A really ugly skater dress and even uglier shoes!!

Her sisters, sticking to their vintage cred (one in Chanel, the other in Ferre - and don't ask me which is which), did manage a much more interesting turn:

An utterly  boring and forgetable dress on Dakota Johnson here, but boy-oh-boy, what is the woman behind her wearing??

Okie, so the woman's name is Brie Larson. And here is a close up:

And now we know what disco balls would look like when animated. 

Green:

Likewise in the crayyyze column - the award season darling Lupita Nyongo in - of course - Prada:

Any winning streak had to end, but why with such a loud crash? I understand a statement, but brown and green make a miserable color combination known to diapers everywhere. 

And, speaking of green, look what slithered in - Donatella Versace, who looks about as un-dead as possible:

The color is actually interesting, but looking at her face scared me, as did the spindly body. 

Sarah Paulson also wore green, and it continued the theme of craft projects on steroids:

Too many elements in one dress.

And Ivanka Trump rounds up the green brigade in this horror of a look, bad from topknot to bottom:

Katie Holmes in a mustard Marchesa mess, proving that the label is just beyond repair:

Escaping Tom Cruise's crazy and the clutches of Scientology, poor Katie failed to escape her own terrible taste. This dress is like the misshapen cousin of Vivien Leigh's drape gown in Gone With the Wind (and Katie's hair must have been through a wind tunnel!)

Olivia Munn also wore yellow, this time a DVF:

The cut is interesting as is the color, I will give her that. B+

Oh look, craft project strikes again, this time on Margot Robbie, who forgot to glue herself a proper top:  

Lily Allen wore Chanel, and it had some newness to it:

Alexa Chung here (rumored to be the other woman in Gwyneth Paltrow's conscious uncoupling - is that why Goop was not present??)

Living up to her rumored reputation she's wearing a rumpled cheap satin bed sheet and really dirty bed hair.

Janello Monae on the other hand:

Rocks my favorite outfit so far. I LOVE her music, and I'm SO into the drama of this. It is a little crazy but utterly in line with her look, which is consistent. So this is interesting and cool if not properly a dress. A!

Kristin Dunst also doesn't fail me. Always an interesting and risk taking dresser she goes for it again:

The dress is by Rodarte (whom I generally dislike) and it is far from a sartorial innovation, but it IS interesting and dramatic. A+

Kate Upton, in a D&G dress,  thought the theme was slutty milkmaids in mourning:

Naomi Campbell decided to come as a cheap Jersey hooker who is angling for the virgin/whore slot:

Another singer, Rita Ora, though fails on class. Cesar's Palace, Vegas hooker:

Rosie Huntington-Somethingly:

Gladiator at least had Russel Crowe in it.

More gold from Lea Michelle in Altuzarra, the girl and the nose:

The weird peplum is plain unnecessary.  Otherwise - meh. 

I feel like I've seen Leighton Meester in a version of this Pucci - a high end harem girl:

Similarly Beyonce wore a Parisian hooker's nightgown:

Jay Z's BFF:

KaKa and Kanye, she in a Lanvin dress. Two things: his tux is perfectly fit. And her Lanvin dress is a satin bath towel tied at the waist.  I get that she wants to emulate Beyonce, but ergh!

Sad, not just bad, is this:

Her dress is whatever, but he... oh, I am crying. 

Another starry couple, Tom Brady and Gisele Bunchen, opted for similar looks:

I get it, she has a killer body. But girl got no style. Give me Kate Moss any day. 

Selena Gomez, otherwise known as the girl who thought Bieber was cool, repeatedly, trying to look all sophisticated and grown up:

Lovely color, classic if not terribly interesting dress.

Her friend, Taylor Swift, managed to put me to sleep with a bad tooth ache from a sugar overload:

Intriguingly, however, her former beau, deflowerer, and subject of her song "All too Well" Jake Gyllenhaal was also there with his sister Maggie:

I never found him at all engaging so I have no comment. She has a tendency to wear terrible clothes she considers radical. Case in point - the Valentino is just plain ugly, but hey at least her breasts are up where they belong, an improvement from previous outings. 

The nipple darts  below are a little much but this dress is almost the prettier, chicer older sister (By Zac Posen) to Anne Hathaway's Prada-made Oscar disaster:

That was the prettiest pink of the evening. 

The other was this cracktastic dress on Stephanie Seymour, who decided to relive her 80s prom:

I wish Claire Danes actually recycled her old prom dress from the 80s instead of wearing a brand new Oscar de la Renta so bad it made me sad:

 This Stella isn't bad but I cannot stand the uber thin wearer, Kate Bosworth, who is rumored to have been one of Goop's ex husband's flings:

This rather stunning one on she of the sharp chin, Reese:

This boringly elegant and utterly wash-out dress on Rachel McAdams:

Her onetime VERY serious boyfriend came with his new squeeze (that must have been an awkward party!):

Turns out Sarah Silverman scrubs well - here in Zac Posen!

Another good Zac Posen dress was worn by the ageless Maggie Q:

And the detail at the waist combined with her stunning posture make it sing.

And Dita von Teese came with the designer, and they both looked - well, over the top:

But then again, she's a performer. And she made that dress - an obvious homage to Charles James - work. 

So hats off.

Georgia Mae Jagger:

Husband, over my shoulder, said 'yes, please' and I kind of agree. 

But there is such a thing as too bare, and Zoe Kravitz in a TopShop dress, an offspring of two supremely cool people personified it:

Whatever it is you can see at her crotch I want to unsee.

Pants:

Riley Keough, another scion - Elvis' granddaughter - with the genetic makeup to be cool - was, in her Louis Vuitton pant suit:

Amber Valetta, making the pant suit sing:

Sheer:

Kristin Stewart in Chanel, was less so. I hate half -sheer skirts:

And even more half-sheer skirts that look like a craft project gone wrong - aka a typical Rodarte dress:

I was prepared to love this Givenchy on Naomi Watts:

But the sheer skirt ruins it for me, taking it to hooker territory. 

Cropped tops:

Rihanna in Stella McCartney:

She looks good - a nice fit and great color for her. Design-vise though, this is a wash. 

Anne Hathaway in Calvin Klein:

Ditto - boring, not half as interesting as her look from a year ago. 

So this Stella is mildly ok (I have zero fondness for Stella), but is a glorified bra pretending to be a top:

Emma Stone in Thakoon:

Probably my favorite of hte bunch, but only because of the color. Otherwise - no design skills necessary. 

Anna Kendrick in J. Mendel:

Boring, a little mall, but much better than her Oscars disaster.

Gabrielle Union in a Prada thing:

Ultimately, what dress would I dream of wearing? I'm coming up short. Ha.